Magnets

How can I ignore your smile
When it makes my heart
Fly
Out of my chest
And into your hands

Circling from afar.

what in the world do I want?

I keep asking myself, and I can never make any sense out of my thoughts. They just run around in circles.

I’m so…stagnant. Yes, I’m at college. No, I’m not slacking (completely). But I’m not doing everything I should be. I know I should do an internship. But I don’t want to. Is it because this engineering thing isn’t right for me? Or am I just being a wuss?

I want to be successful. But do I want it enough?

I want to have friends, belong. But I want to be alone. I even crave it.

I want someone to love me. Not in a friendship or familial sense, in a boy-girl relationship sense. But I can’t make myself do anything about it. Am I supposed to? And I watch people around me go through bad and good times; I find not only do I want the good, I want the bad, too. Isn’t that weird? I want to feel. I mean, yes, I have feelings now, but I’m missing out on this world everyone else is a part of. (Well, not everyone. But whatever.) I feel like an outsider. And then it makes me wonder (and I’m not generally a self-conscious person) what is wrong with me? Not wrong, persay, but what is different about me? I can’t remember being hit on or flirted with by a stranger or anything. And I want this. But at the same time, I can’t seem to make myself leave my dorm room.

So I remain an outsider. Not only watching relationships from afar, but watching the rest of the world from three stories up through a pane of glass. Living, but not.

But I don’t want it enough to make it any other way. I’m not going out of my way to be social. So my problems are all my fault.

I hate these endless thought circles.

moved in

so, finally in the dorm room.

i’m liking it so far, but college is definitely gonna take some getting used to. it’s weird not knowing everyone around me.

walking everywhere is fun – hopefully that’ll stave off the cursed “freshman fifteen.”

the only negative at the moment is the stupid air conditioner. it refuses to get its butt into gear.

Tug of War

I am so caught between wanting something new and wanting to bury myself in this world I live in now.

When I think about all the changes that are going to be made, have already been made, I am sad because there is so much I have not done and should have done.

I’m praying it’s not always going to be this way.

Ack

I am wearing fake nails (courtesy of my older sister), and I keep having to do a double take when I see my fingers from the corners of my eyes. For $6 they really aren’t bad. One fell off when I violently opened the fridge door, but I got it glued back on.

I’m currently searching for headphone options because though my in-ear ones work quite nicely, they refuse to stay in my ears longer than 30 minutes. I’ve found a couple of pairs that sound promising; on set is on Amazon (Sennheisr’s priced at $24) and sound decent for the price. Problem is that I’ve no way of buying them (I don’t want to directly use my debit online). Plus, call me shallow and stupid, I like my other cuter, way more expensive option better: a JBL/Roxy pair at $70. And I can buy those when my PayPal account is confirmed.

$70 is quite a lot. But reviews on the $24 pair say they’re quite uncomfortable, and that would be really upsetting. Unfortunately, I can’t find many reviews on the Roxy pair. But their attractiveness is callin out to me. It seems I am forever to be tempted by pretty things.