Circling from afar.

what in the world do I want?

I keep asking myself, and I can never make any sense out of my thoughts. They just run around in circles.

I’m so…stagnant. Yes, I’m at college. No, I’m not slacking (completely). But I’m not doing everything I should be. I know I should do an internship. But I don’t want to. Is it because this engineering thing isn’t right for me? Or am I just being a wuss?

I want to be successful. But do I want it enough?

I want to have friends, belong. But I want to be alone. I even crave it.

I want someone to love me. Not in a friendship or familial sense, in a boy-girl relationship sense. But I can’t make myself do anything about it. Am I supposed to? And I watch people around me go through bad and good times; I find not only do I want the good, I want the bad, too. Isn’t that weird? I want to feel. I mean, yes, I have feelings now, but I’m missing out on this world everyone else is a part of. (Well, not everyone. But whatever.) I feel like an outsider. And then it makes me wonder (and I’m not generally a self-conscious person) what is wrong with me? Not wrong, persay, but what is different about me? I can’t remember being hit on or flirted with by a stranger or anything. And I want this. But at the same time, I can’t seem to make myself leave my dorm room.

So I remain an outsider. Not only watching relationships from afar, but watching the rest of the world from three stories up through a pane of glass. Living, but not.

But I don’t want it enough to make it any other way. I’m not going out of my way to be social. So my problems are all my fault.

I hate these endless thought circles.

~ by Emily on September 20, 2009.